Coping with fear

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

-Herbert, Frank. Dune. Philadelphia: Chilton Books, 1965. Print.

Yes, everyone knows I'm a big geek and I read Dune many years ago. This passage was one the first pieces I read about fear and I always kept it in mind when dealing with my own. And even thought I've shown my art so many times before, fear, anxiety, and nervousness is something I still feel, albeit to a lesser extent ever time I have a show.

I think when you're fearful, the worst thing you can do is fight it. You don't push fear away. You accept it, feel it, let it  fill you. You can even let it paralyze you. But only for a moment.  It's strange that when you let fear in, it's easier to controll and it will even got away if you give it a minute to pass. And really, all it takes is just a minute. 

Fear is natural. In some ways, it  can enhance our performance.  Rooted in out fight/flight reaction, it gets our hearts pumping and makes our senses a little more aware.  It can move us to act. And when you work past the fear, it's empowering. 

And honestly, handling fear is the easy part.  It's handling anxiety that's hard. 

Responsibility and power

My art fair booth

Art is seemingly creating something out of nothing.  Whether that means imposing order through design, or by expressing a thought, the artist's skill is in the control of what will eventually become real.  But part of accepting control, is accepting responsibility.

There is power in accepting responsibility for what happens in your life. Accepting responsibility means accepting control. Accepting control means accepting one's power. Accepting this power means we accept the ability to create not only our art, but our reality. 

And no, we don't have control over many things that happen, but as they say, "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it."  And that reaction is a choice we take responsibility for.  And that choice creates who we are, what energy we draw to ourselves, and the energy we emit.

Looking back

I told my very awesome coworker this week that my classroom is such a mess that I can't stand it.  But what's truly sad is that it's not my mess, it's my students'. Whenever I leave my work space, I pause at the door and look back to see how I'm leaving the space. I check to make sure I emptied my bucket, I put away my tools, and, most importantly, that I sealed my clay. This is a habit I started a long time ago to combat sloppy tendencies.  Before I leave a room, I try to remember to look back and see what mess I'm leaving behind.

I've been wondering lately if that's a habit one can teach. My students have a tendency to rush out of my classroom to hurry to next class. Usually they leave their work spaces acceptably clean, but a few of them leave books, planners, and the occasional sweaty gym shirt. I need to teach then to look back to see what they're leaving behind. Who knows- maybe the habit will carry into all aspects of their lives.

Autonomy

My husband will be travelling a lot this month.  In the next four weeks, we'll probably spend just as much time apart as together. His travels are service oriented and it's something his soul compels him to do.  And I'll support him just as he would support me.

I am grateful for this part of our relationship.  We move autonomously, knowing we will always come back to each other.  If one of us wants to do something, go somewhere, we do it.  There's no asking for permission, there is no "letting."  And we support each other.

When our relationship was new, I always felt that somehow being his life-partner opened more doors than closed them.  I knew this was the truth although I could never figure out why I felt this way until recently. It's because, in reality, we don't need each other.  We both can run our household without the other. We know that each of us can take care of ourselves and our children without help.  We're both emotionally and spiritually strong and extremely capable.  It's because of this we can both do as we please and all we need to do is coordinate schedules and resources.  It's a blessing and it's one of the reasons why our relationship works.

And not needing each other is, in itself, very powerful. We stay together not because we need each other, but because we choose to.  Loving someone and staying with that person should be a choice, not a necessity.

Fear and anxiety

Newly thrown large pot.

I was an anxious kid when I was growing up. I was anxious about everything- school, social situations, being a good person, staying out of trouble. Often the anxiety manifested itself into fear. Being afraid was something that I dealt with daily. Even into my adulthood, I was anxious and fearful. I've gotten over most of that now, but I recognize the time I struggled with it is as a source of strength. 

I learned what make me more prone to anxiety, like lack of sleep and being overworked.  I learned how to handle my anxiety, stress, and fears by acknowledging them, asking for help when I need it, and by allowing clay to keep me centered. Most importantly, I learned how to let the fear pass.

The scariest time for me creatively was when my kiln was finally installed. I looked at my husband and said "There are no excuses now. I'm not bound by somebody else's firing schedule. If I don't make anything, it's on me and me only." Failure now would be only of my own doing. Now that's scary.

But the fearful anxious times in my life have taught me how to get through the anxiety and remain creative and productive. I know my triggers, such as the first show of the season. When I'm scared I'm ready for it, I acknowledge  it, and I keep working until it passes. And when I need to, I ask for help. Mostly that comes in the form of asking my husband to allow me to briefly depend on his spiritual energy, and lean on his strength as he takes me by the hand, leads me into my home studio and say, "Come on. Let's do this together."

Balance

Teardrop vessel.  Detail.

The path to enlightenment is the Middle Way.

Siddhartha was required reading in my high school, so I encountered the idea of the Middle Way about the same drawing was becoming a habit.  As a I grew as an artist in both skill and spirit, I equated the Middle Way with balance.

Teardrop vessel.  Detail.

The Middle Way reminds us to keep our minds open, quiet, and alert, and contemplative.  As I became more mindful and contemplative of the way I composed a piece, my artwork became more balanced. In my art, through my graphic design training, I began to dialog with the positive and negative space, paying attention to the spatial relationships between elements and respecting the tension created between them, making sure to never overpower the piece with a lot of visual noise.  I stopped filling up spaces because I felt compelled to do so.  I began to place elements deliberately, and with cause.  I became aware that the quietness of the elements, balances the loudness of the visual pause.  As in the art of the De Stijl, simplifying the composition empowered each element, creating a piece that the viewer can relate to more easily.

And so it is with our day-to-day.  You speak with intent.  You listen quietly without judgement.  You balance the loudness of life with the quiet meditations that keep you centered.

Students of Saint Pat's

My students listening to the docent
at the Art Institute of Chicago.

I teach at Saint Patrick High School, the oldest all-male high school in the city. I have taken my boys on two art field trips this semester, one to the Art Institute of Chicago, and one on a four day tour of the art museums in New York.  Both trips held surprises for me.

Our first trip to the Art Institute of Chicago included students in the beginning art class who have just started being introduced to art.  It was a docent led tour and the docent was just beginning to entertain general questions about art when one of my sophomores asked, "Isn't art a reflection of the artist's emotion?"  The depth of the question is what was surprising to me.  He never took an art class, and he just started learning about art history, and here he was making these connections.  And no, he wasn't an honor student.  I think when anyone watches the silliness of teenage boys and has a chance to hear their conversations (especially the students who talk about which superhero would win in a fight) it's easy to forget how deeply they may be thinking and processing material you're presenting to them.

Our trip to New York held a couple of pleasant surprises for me.  

My students listening to the talk about
the Guggenheim's on Kawara exhibition.

The first came on the first night when my husband and I went to all the rooms to do bed checks at the designated "lights out" time.  Two seniors were not even close to being ready for bed.  When we open their door, they were busy ironing their clothes.  They said their clothes were too wrinkled to wear.  I was surprised that they cared that much about the shirts and jeans they brought, and that they knew how to iron!  Good work moms!

During the trip, I also came to understand why our students are so amazing.  Whether a student is interested in art, theatre, music, science, math, chess, athletics, etc., students at our school always find a place to fit in. During the trip, I realized that is because our boys really understand how to dissolve their cliques and pull together as a team. The group included sophomores through seniors, and the seniors took care of the sophomores through their leadership and their example while they included everyone and their humor and their fun.  Our sophomores and juniors are extremely mature. They were able to identify behaviors and others that bothered them, avoided the behavior in themselves, and were able to separate themselves from annoyances so as not to create tension or confrontation.

Great job men!  I'm really proud of you all!