Divergent

I started reading the Divergent series (by Veronica Roth) because my Caroline and her friends the Potatoes started reading them. It reminds me that labels are man-made construct made to separate us. I realize the labels are necessary in categorizing and understanding, but we would have to be weary of their superficiality. But even more dangerous than using labels to understand someone else, is going to use labels to define ourselves. We always have to keep in mind that we just are.

Perfect in our humanity at all times. Trying to strive for a higher purpose, and evolve into something hire. 

A mug to challenge the division between
functional vs, nonfunctional and what defines something as "art"

Choosing your reaction

One of the hardest times in my life is when my brother Eric died, and tomorrow and today is his birthday. When he passed he left with he left us with many gifts including the gift of a new friendship with Nathan, a better insight into other peoples pain, and lessons on generosity. 

Many many years ago I was friends with the person who was left very damaged by her brothers death. She was hateful and angry all the time. After a while I understood that she was unpleasant to be around. When my brother died I thought of her and I thought this will not devastate me. I dug my heels in and I refused to let the single event in my life change me so profoundly. It was a conscious decision to go through this event with more benefits than scars. I let this be Eriks gift to me.

Since then I've started to understand that many things in life are conscious decision. I see others who react because as they say they can't help it.but in my brother's death I understood many things in life are a conscious decision that can be helped. Even love. Even trust.

Coping with fear

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

-Herbert, Frank. Dune. Philadelphia: Chilton Books, 1965. Print.

Yes, everyone knows I'm a big geek and I read Dune many years ago. This passage was one the first pieces I read about fear and I always kept it in mind when dealing with my own. And even thought I've shown my art so many times before, fear, anxiety, and nervousness is something I still feel, albeit to a lesser extent ever time I have a show.

I think when you're fearful, the worst thing you can do is fight it. You don't push fear away. You accept it, feel it, let it  fill you. You can even let it paralyze you. But only for a moment.  It's strange that when you let fear in, it's easier to controll and it will even got away if you give it a minute to pass. And really, all it takes is just a minute. 

Fear is natural. In some ways, it  can enhance our performance.  Rooted in out fight/flight reaction, it gets our hearts pumping and makes our senses a little more aware.  It can move us to act. And when you work past the fear, it's empowering. 

And honestly, handling fear is the easy part.  It's handling anxiety that's hard. 

Responsibility and power

My art fair booth

Art is seemingly creating something out of nothing.  Whether that means imposing order through design, or by expressing a thought, the artist's skill is in the control of what will eventually become real.  But part of accepting control, is accepting responsibility.

There is power in accepting responsibility for what happens in your life. Accepting responsibility means accepting control. Accepting control means accepting one's power. Accepting this power means we accept the ability to create not only our art, but our reality. 

And no, we don't have control over many things that happen, but as they say, "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it."  And that reaction is a choice we take responsibility for.  And that choice creates who we are, what energy we draw to ourselves, and the energy we emit.

Looking back

I told my very awesome coworker this week that my classroom is such a mess that I can't stand it.  But what's truly sad is that it's not my mess, it's my students'. Whenever I leave my work space, I pause at the door and look back to see how I'm leaving the space. I check to make sure I emptied my bucket, I put away my tools, and, most importantly, that I sealed my clay. This is a habit I started a long time ago to combat sloppy tendencies.  Before I leave a room, I try to remember to look back and see what mess I'm leaving behind.

I've been wondering lately if that's a habit one can teach. My students have a tendency to rush out of my classroom to hurry to next class. Usually they leave their work spaces acceptably clean, but a few of them leave books, planners, and the occasional sweaty gym shirt. I need to teach then to look back to see what they're leaving behind. Who knows- maybe the habit will carry into all aspects of their lives.

Autonomy

My husband will be travelling a lot this month.  In the next four weeks, we'll probably spend just as much time apart as together. His travels are service oriented and it's something his soul compels him to do.  And I'll support him just as he would support me.

I am grateful for this part of our relationship.  We move autonomously, knowing we will always come back to each other.  If one of us wants to do something, go somewhere, we do it.  There's no asking for permission, there is no "letting."  And we support each other.

When our relationship was new, I always felt that somehow being his life-partner opened more doors than closed them.  I knew this was the truth although I could never figure out why I felt this way until recently. It's because, in reality, we don't need each other.  We both can run our household without the other. We know that each of us can take care of ourselves and our children without help.  We're both emotionally and spiritually strong and extremely capable.  It's because of this we can both do as we please and all we need to do is coordinate schedules and resources.  It's a blessing and it's one of the reasons why our relationship works.

And not needing each other is, in itself, very powerful. We stay together not because we need each other, but because we choose to.  Loving someone and staying with that person should be a choice, not a necessity.

Fear and anxiety

Newly thrown large pot.

I was an anxious kid when I was growing up. I was anxious about everything- school, social situations, being a good person, staying out of trouble. Often the anxiety manifested itself into fear. Being afraid was something that I dealt with daily. Even into my adulthood, I was anxious and fearful. I've gotten over most of that now, but I recognize the time I struggled with it is as a source of strength. 

I learned what make me more prone to anxiety, like lack of sleep and being overworked.  I learned how to handle my anxiety, stress, and fears by acknowledging them, asking for help when I need it, and by allowing clay to keep me centered. Most importantly, I learned how to let the fear pass.

The scariest time for me creatively was when my kiln was finally installed. I looked at my husband and said "There are no excuses now. I'm not bound by somebody else's firing schedule. If I don't make anything, it's on me and me only." Failure now would be only of my own doing. Now that's scary.

But the fearful anxious times in my life have taught me how to get through the anxiety and remain creative and productive. I know my triggers, such as the first show of the season. When I'm scared I'm ready for it, I acknowledge  it, and I keep working until it passes. And when I need to, I ask for help. Mostly that comes in the form of asking my husband to allow me to briefly depend on his spiritual energy, and lean on his strength as he takes me by the hand, leads me into my home studio and say, "Come on. Let's do this together."